Couch Friends

My favorite kind of friendship

Over the past few weeks, every brunch, drink, or phone call I’ve had has landed on the topic of friendship.

In one conversation, we’re grieving how much a relationship has changed. In another, someone is wondering if they’ll ever find their people in this season of life. Another friend has plenty of people in their life but realizes very few of those friendships feel like what they’re actually looking for.

We’ve all heard that friendship gets harder as we get older and our lives change. But I don’t know that we spend much time asking ourselves what kind of friendships we actually want.

For me, the answer is couch friends.

in our natural habitat

I’ve lived in New York for a decade. There is no shortage of plans here. The calendar invites keep coming. I have plenty of acquaintances, industry friends, former coworkers, and people to grab a drink with, run into on the street, or send a Partiful invite to.

I’ve been looking for the people who make an impromptu hang feel possible again. Friendships where dinner doesn’t require two weeks’ notice or a reservation. Someone texts to say they’re in the neighborhood, or I get a random “What are you doing?” text on a Tuesday.

I want more couch friends.

One of my closest friends in the city will text me and ask if I’m down to work together.

once you’ve put in the effort, it really is this simple

He’ll come over, we’ll work most of the afternoon, barely talking for stretches, and eventually I’ll make us dinner with whatever I have in the fridge because neither of us wants to leave the house and spend $100 eating out.

Another friend will text to say she’s in my neighborhood for a meeting and ask if she can stop by.

Earlier this summer, Camille Muson was in town and came over to my apartment. That’s how we started Love Island together.

Once I got honest about what I was looking for, I started investing in the kind of friendships I wanted.

I started paying attention to bids. Who’s showing me they want to spend more time together? Who remembers I had a big meeting and follows up? Who do I feel safe telling the truth to?

Then I started paying attention to the bids I was sending. Who do I instinctively send the unprompted voice note to? Who do I call out of the blue because something happened and they’re the first person I want to tell? Who do I text after a great hang because I already know I want to see them again?

Last weekend I started chatting with a friend of a friend while we watched the World Cup final. By the end of the day, we’d spent hours together, and as we were leaving, she asked if we could stay in touch. She texted me a few days later to see if we could hang out before I flew back to the East Coast. I loved that she did that because I was hoping we’d see each other again too.

Don’t be too cool.

When I really like someone, I tell them. If they don’t beat me to it, I’m sending the text.

Some of my closest friendships started because one of us decided to go first. We stopped acting like coworkers, acquaintances, or people who only ever saw each other when someone else made the plans.

I’m a single woman who lives alone and away from my family, so my friendships really feel like family to me. I love having people to celebrate the big milestones with, but I also want people in the ordinary parts of my life. I don’t think that kind of everyday closeness should be reserved for romantic relationships.

Some of my best couch friends live across the country, but we still send podcast-length voice notes, get on the phone, and remain up to date with what’s happening in each other’s lives. I want to hear how your big work meeting went. I want to hear all of the minute details of the wedding weekend you just went to. I look forward to the random weekday phone calls just to check in.

Your version of a couch friend may differ from mine. The friendships I’m building aren’t accidental. I don’t have places like school and an office to introduce me to new people. If I want couch friends, I have to make an effort. I have to notice when people are trying to connect with me and, if I’m interested, do the same.

You can’t build the friendships you want until you’re honest about the kind of friendships you want to build.

I’m so glad you’re here. I write weekly, talk things through on Hi! I’m Here, and offer one-on-one values sessions for people who want to get clear on what they actually want. You can find me on Instagram or TikTok, or book a values session with me here.