Decentering Men

You Know You Want To

I was subconsciously decentering men before I even had the language to describe it as such.

Growing up in the Midwest as a chubby black girl among mostly small white women, I quickly read the room. Let’s be clear: I never thought I was ugly, but I realized early on that I wasn’t the target audience for the boys in my class.

I came to this realization in elementary school, as I witnessed my friends kissing boys on the playground and bragging about their blossoming relationships. I was a spectator, never a participant. My mom would have called me “fast” for kissing a boy in public at 10-years-old anyway.

Although I too have fallen victim, I find male validation to be pretty worthless. I used to think my lack of male attention growing up was negative, but it has given me the confidence to be whoever I want to be without desire for their approval.

In the clip below from the Say It With Your Chest Podcast, during a discussion about the male gaze, author and content creator, Candice Brathwaite says, “Oh you don’t like me anyway? The party’s on.”

That’s exactly how I’ve felt since I was a kid. There were a few things about me that men made apparent that they didn’t like. Misogyny is so ingrained in our culture, that women sometimes had similar complaints. I could feel their eyes wishing I would shut up in the midst of sharing my observations, as if saying them out loud was the only evidence that they were true. 

I was outspoken, I wasn’t small enough and I took up a lot of space. I’m still all of those things. Intimidating has been a recent addition to the list.

I have always liked being me, but I also wanted to be liked for being me. From an early age, men made it clear that wasn’t going to happen. There were norms surrounding the way women should act and look, I didn’t fit the mold in either category. What really annoyed them is that I wasn’t deeply committed to trying. I wanted to fit in more than I wanted a boyfriend. I didn’t have the bandwidth to try for both.

Present day, I’m genuinely surprised when I’m interested in a man. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve openly admitted such a thing out loud. I have accidentally adopted my adolescent reality as the truth. A sweeping generalization that men don’t like me and I don’t need their approval. At 30-years-old, I realize this isn’t completely true, or rather two things are true at once. I don’t need or want the approval of men and I’m happy that when I get dressed or share a photo on Instagram, it’s not rooted in seeking their validation. But, men do like me . . . and maybe I like some of them? Once I stop friend zoning them out of the fear of actually having to unpack all of this, it’s a wrap. Look, I’m still navigating my playground PTSD. 

You can read more about that in my book, which is a work in progress like me. For now, listen to “Free” by Denice Williams in my honor.

xx

Shelbi