America Has a Problem
The Rise of Loneliness and the Loss of Friendship
Loneliness is a public health issue in the United States. Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” which states that lacking social connection is as dangerous as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Not only does lack of connection make us feel bad, it has a lasting impact on our society and overall health.
The answer to this is obviously community and friendship. A lot of us know that by now, the hard part is finding it. Lately, I’ve been engaging in this conversation with friends, family and strangers on the internet. Friendship is IMPORTANT.
As a single woman in her 30s, my friends are an extension of my family. We are each other’s emergency contacts, we spend Thanksgiving together, we support one another. I have the friendships of my dreams. I am not sharing this to brag, but because I wish the same for you. A couple of people have recently asked me how I’ve made and sustained these friendships, so naturally I’m going to subject you all to my answers.
Don’t Be Afraid To Act a Little Desperate: I usually share this advice with friends who have recently moved to a new city or are completely rebuilding their circle. It doesn’t feel cool to admit that you don’t have the relationships that you desire, but if that’s the reality of your current situation, act accordingly. Reach out to loose ties in the area. Is there a friend of a friend who lives nearby? Maybe someone who you kind of know from college or a former job? Send them a DM. Ask your established friends if they know anyone who you should connect with in your new city. It’s time to go on friend dates. Even if these people don’t end up on your friendship dream team, they may have the ability to introduce you to more people.
Leave Your House: The pandemic exposed the homebody version of me. I understand the temptation to sit in the house, but you have to go outside to make friends. If someone invites you to something and it sounds even the least bit interesting, say yes! Your couch will be there when you get back.
Know Your Type: Be honest with yourself about the type of friends you’re looking for. Friendship is similar to romantic partnership, compatibility > attraction. There are people who have amazing personalities who I’m not compatible with. Our values, priorities and interests don’t align, so for me, it’s hard to be close friends. Those relationships are still valuable, but maybe they’re acquaintances! Don’t force it.
Be Vulnerable: I’m not advising you to tell all of your business on the first link, but share more about yourself beyond the surface. My people see and understand me, but that’s because I let them. To get closer to people, you’re going to have to let them in. Maybe start with sharing more about how you’ve been navigating friendship in adulthood, chances are that person has felt the same and it will break the ice.
Reciprocal Energy: Look, no relationship is always 50/50, but let’s agree to be in friendships where people are giving us the same energy. It can be hurtful when you feel like you have really hit it off with someone and they seem uninterested in you. Please try not to internalize that feeling. Life is hard. You don’t know what people are going through, but you also deserve friendships where your needs are being met. Keep looking!
Show Up: It’s never too early in a friendship to show someone that you care. Maybe at your last coffee date they shared that they’re nervous about an upcoming job interview. Send them an encouraging text before the interview or check in on how it went after. That point of connection goes a long way.
Audit Your Existing Friendships: You can have a lot of friends and still feel lonely. We are prioritizing connection over weak ties. It’s cool if your friends invite you out or send funny memes, but are you also checking on each other? There is an opportunity to seek deeper connection in your existing friendships. Schedule a phone date with a friend this week and ask them how they’re reallly doing.
Join an Existing Community: Recently, I’ve attended a couple of Third.Cup events and have met the most amazing women. Chrissy, a friend who I met at one of the events, introduced me to my book proposal coach. Volunteering is also a great option. You can serve your local community while making new connections!
Okay, that’s enough for advice for now; I have homework for you:
Read Rhaina Cohen’s article "What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?"
Listen to “Table Pancakes,” a podcast about friendship co-hosted by me.
xx
Shelbi